Movies I Watch On a Bumday
Scoot and get copies too!
L4YER CAKE
After a thousand Lottery-funded disasters, a Brit gangster film you’d actually pay to see. Expect the usual—jaded drugs dealer takes on one last shot with energy and an unflinching eye. Great.
SHAOLIN SOCCER
High-energy football/martial arts silliness. Kung fu student trains up football team on Shaolin lines. Will they trash Team Evil (yes, really) in the Super Cup final? Amazingly, you’ll actually care.
SAW
Two men captured by a serial killer are told to fight to death or they both get the chop. Oh, and they’re manacled to the floor with nothing but handsaws for company. Sadistically brilliant.
THE FORGOTTEN
There’s barely enough plot to fill an episode of The X-Files, but if you’re missing Mulder and Scully and you’d like to kill 90 minutes with a mix of mind-games and fuck-me shocks, you’re in luck.
CONSTANTINE
Demons are loose and only Neo can cross between the real world and the hellish Matrix to stop them. Oh facuck, that’s another film. Not that Keanu noticed. Weisz is great; it looks amazing; makes no sense at all.
Club-by-Club Round Up of the Season Ahead
Up the Arse
Arsenal
It’ll be tough, but winning every game one-nil should bring a glorious quadruple while having their entire team banged up—apart from goodie two-shoes Henry. However, I expect Graham Poll would somehow contrive to send him off at Old Trafford, where we’ll have to make do with a nil-nil draw and a couple of slices of pizza.
The Liverpool Way
Liverpool
Will probably do a hell of a lot better than last season—they won’t allow finishing below Everton again. Mourinho needs bringing down a peg or two, and at least he won’t be able to keep calling himself the ‘European Champion.’
There’s Only One F in Fulham
Fulham
No one’s expecting ‘little old Fulham’ to take the Premiership by storm, but they underperformed badly last season. They should hold their own, if the talent isn’t sold off this summer. Because of the ridiculous financial clout and bullying, they’d probably love to see Chelsea self-implode.
Winner!
Chelsea
Will walk away with the title, probably win the European Cup, as well as the FA Cup and hold on to the League Cup. It would be nice to see Carlo Cudicini come on in the finals so he gets some winner’s medals. They’re not looking forward to Liverpool away—40,000 Scousers with high pitched voices screaming and bleating on about winning the Euro Cup five times (yawwwn).
Rad Red
Manchester United
They have the ability to go on lengthy unbeaten runs but they’re unpredictable these days. They need Roy Keane’s doppelganger now and Chelsea to go bankrupt.
A Love Supreme
Sunderland
Anything above 17th place will be like winning the league for them. Nobody is under any illusions that they’re going to have an easy ride in the Premiership, and the bookies are reflecting that by making them among the favorites to go down. They’ve got a decent squad, but they need new signings to improve for the top flight.
Who will win the FA Cup?
Chelsea
Man United
Arsenal
Liverpool
Everton
Man City
Which gaffer will get the chop first?
Graeme Souness
Alan Pardew
David O’Leary
Martin Jol
Sir Alex Ferguson
